Hilarious and Awful: Online Dating

The world of heterosexual dating websites is, in some ways, a throwback to decades past. Women are the pursued and men are the pursuers (or in this case, the message-senders). On the one dating website I’ve ever used, I’ll receive a message or two every day, and only send a message once in a great while. For whatever reason, we women don’t step up to the plate, instead remaining content to let the boys come to us. I am told this is a typical dynamic.

It’s also not a very effective one, though I have gotten a scattered few dates this way. But for the most part, the online suitors are not up to my admittedly picky standards. On the other hand, sometimes the messages I receive are (unintentionally) entertaining. Here now is the first in a series of hilarious and awful messages I have received from online daters.

From a 50 year old man in Florida:

Subject         … why we’re practically identical honestly

It’s come to my attention that people (women) often say that one of the most fundamental things they are looking for is honesty in a man but since they’ve more than likely never met an honest man they don’t know what to do when they actually confront one.

That having been said let’s see if you write me (an extremely honest man back. Now this writing back deal will require a certain amount of curiosity and gumption and no small amount of an open mind. If you wonder why no honest men it’s because the world is backwards and most of the the time people not only tell you what you want to hear but know what invariably happens when telling the truth…..let’s see:

You would never find a better more honest friend, lover, husband. How do I know that? Because I have two wives and I’m looking for a third. That’s getting the 500 pound gorilla out of the way up front and being honest isn’t it?

What do you suppose type of man I am? One you should avoid or embrace? Well I’m not a dishrag. I appreciate intelligent physically strong females because they make the best babies and I’m all about family and yes I can afford three wives.

Well you have a choice to ignore or explore. I expect everything and ask for nothing. Consequently I’m unable to place you in an akward position. You might just be curious….if so please feel free to write. I won’t bite and you can always use me for a topic of conversation. “I actually correspond with a polygamist from Florida on a regular basis!!!”

Looking forward to your reply…….. [redacted] (real name)

In other news, happy birthday to me.